dichotomy — incontemplationof feed — participationmystique

[image credit: megan drury (original photography: sally flegg | self)]

This. Is. Real.

I feel it in the different social behaviours I’ve become accustomed to enacting. I feel it in the socially learned responses of men and women to those behaviours. I particularly feel it woven into the fabric of heterosexual interactions (I identify as queer and engage in heterosexual relations) – in the way men perceive, appraise and treat me and my sexuality. I feel it very keenly in the energy I expend performing mental gymnastics, attempting to elucidate the behavioural choices I “should” and “shouldn’t” make in the interpersonal and sexual interactions I have with men – especially when I wish to be warm and friendly without being misconstrued OR wish to be sexually expressive and respected / valued as a human being. I also feel it simply walking along the street, fielding catcalls and unsolicited comments from strange men, as I independently go about my day.

So…

For those of you who don’t know, 'the virgin-whore dichotomy' describes a binary code of conduct imposed upon women, grown and sustained from the very roots (no need to pardon the pun) of patriarchal philosophy. It is the damaging precept that a woman is one of two things: she is either a “virgin” (read: innocent; naïve; passive; submissive; polite; obliging; implicit; indirect; responsive; dependent; pure; angelic; child-like; the ingénue whose behaviour and sexuality is entirely subservient to a corresponding male’s sexuality and second to her clean, compliant, modest nature) or a “whore” (read: knowing; aware; active; dominant; forthright; leading; explicit; direct; self-determined; independent; tainted; devilish; grown-woman-like; the femme fatale whose behaviour and sexuality is desired but, as it is not subservient to a corresponding male’s sexuality, shamed for being dangerous*, dirty, wayward, indecent), but she can never be somewhere in between or both or – goodness forbid – nowhere on any spectrum predetermined by patriarchal thought.

[*I have been called this more than once. The only meaning I can distil from it, within the contexts it was said (both playful and aggressive), is that the man feels like he is not in control of himself / his feelings / his responses / the situation / me. This threatens his socialised sense of gendered power (the harmful idea that men are always meant to be in control of every aspect of themselves and their lives and certainly their interactions with women, or they have failed) and someone must be blamed – the woman with whom he is interacting. This exposes a further problematic contradiction within patriarchal thought and behaviour: men being taught that, while they have to be in control (because that’s what and how men should be), they are ultimately not responsible or accountable for their feelings, choices and behaviours because, you know, “male biology”. 😏.]

The virgin-whore dichotomy manifests as a cultural policing of women’s desires, wants, needs, behaviours and sexuality to keep us defined and confined within these two narrow categories, created and controlled by patriarchal thought and the men and women who knowingly and unknowingly espouse it. Men and women have all been taught, through our shared patriarchal socialisation regarding men’s and women’s value, that men decide the value of a woman and that this is a measure to go by: one version of a woman is worthy of love and respect, extended attention and patronising care OR is valued as someone who will play mother and give care (a controllable entity that is not necessarily the object of unbridled sexual desire, but ‘valued’ as a service companion) and the other version of a woman (so many choices! 😃) is - while necessary (ie. all women are expected to be sexy, according to the male gaze, as well as immediately available to male desire) - ultimately worthless in terms of a respectful and meaningful, loving and ongoing, equal? connection (because, oops! you went and ‘debased’ yourself by meeting society’s stated expectations! Or worse! – you ‘debased’ yourself by having your own sexual agency! And / or your incredible sexuality is too much for the overwhelmed man to be able to trust).

Guess which one is which…?!

😃.

You got it!

Essentially we have all been conned into believing a “virgin” makes a good partner / baby-oven (Lol. How can a virgin make a baby?**) and a “whore” makes a good lover, but ne’er the twain shall meet! (Of course, they always meet because women are fully formed, conscious, complex, ever-evolving human beings with infinite aspects, and combinations-of-aspects, to who we are. So, things get very interesting when you’ve been classified a “whore” and annoyingly start to express vulnerability or feelings or something other than sexual desire, or you’ve been classified a “virgin” and unbelievably start to behave with too much certainty, independence, self-determination or autonomous sexual desire).

[**I am being deliberately obtuse, here. I completely acknowledge baby-making technologies and the numerous ways of creating non-hetero-parent families and ‘non-traditional’ family structures. I also acknowlegde how critical it is to utterly deconstruct the insane belief that a woman’s (terribly important) cultural status as a “virgin” or a “whore” (no matter how unconsciously this judgement is being made) is entirely dependent on if, when, how many times, in what way, for what purpose, and for whose pleasure her vagina has been penetrated by a penis... (WTaF?!)! My primary point above (**) is to highlight that this is where the other well-known name for this dichotomy comes from: “the madonna-whore dichotomy” (a Madonna being a representation of the Virgin Mary, who immaculately (ie. without having sex with anyone and with no assistance aside from the divine) conceived, carried and gave birth to Jesus (wow!) in the stories of Christianity. Oh...! Also… Jesus dated a prostitute, didn’t he…? The other Mary – Mary Magdalaine…? Woah! A "virgin" mother and a "whore" lover…! He was all over this binary, like a rash! Hang on, I just looked it up... Apparently, Mary Magdalene is sometimes confused with / combined with yet another Mary (of Bethany) and / or perhaps another woman altogether... who may or may not have been a repentant prostitute sinner...). So complex!]

On the topic of complexity – this binary is full of it. Another major form it takes is in keeping women ever-baffled and confounded, because it is impossible to strike the “right” balance (if one is caught up in trying to meet these outrageously contrary demands of patriarchal male desire and entitlement - being thrown at one from every angle - while also trying to keep a sense of oneself and find happiness in all of it… somewhere… 😐). Women are continually socially manipulated into seeking fundamental acceptance, respect and love by painfully navigating our way – in highly attractive, but remarkably uncomfortable, footwear – through a dimly-lit maze of one-way backstreets in an aggressively ill-designed, contradictorily signposted, shady and violent inner city suburb of the capital city of someone else’s double-standards.

And it SUX!

IT SUX!!!!!

Here are some examples: If you are a-sexual OR simply not interested in a particular man OR maybe don’t respond to the (intrusive / offensive / aggressive) *sweet-nothings* of strangers in cars or on the street, then you are a “bitch” / you are “frigid” / you are a rude, reserved, unfriendly form of a “virgin” (how dare you? they were endowing you with their desire and they are entitled to receive their desired response...); If you don’t smile enough or when you are told to OR you don’t immediately respond to or agree with the opinions or needs of a man OR you actively oppose them, then you are a “bitch” (oh, hello! this is a common go-to, isn’t it?!) / you are “difficult” / you are “too big for your boots” / you are “angry” / you are “hysterical” / you are a troublesome, quarrelsome, attacking form of a “virgin”… or is it a “whore” in this instance...? ... 🤔... It's not entirely clear... because you could just be a “frigid bitch” who “needs a dick up ya” to get you in line with the status quo OR you may be way too confident and cavalier regarding how many “dicks you’ve had up ya” in which case you’re a “slut”. (Hang on… a gal can’t seem to win…?! 🧐. The rules appear to be dizzying and fraught with flaws...?!).

"It’s a catch-22! You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t!"

If you are not interested in men (ie. you don’t care about “dicks” at all!) OR you are (oh, the horror!) a feminist, then you are a “man-hating bitch” (oop, there it is!) and probably just “need a good dick up ya” (LOL) to convince you to change your incomprehensible ways… (omg, see how ludicrous it is?!). If you appreciate and enjoy your own body and you are confident in it, you are “full of yourself” and it’s a “turn off” (because you are not relying on the man’s opinion of you to keep your sense-of-self and self-esteem afloat – “stuck-up bitch!”). If you openly enjoy sex and have sexual independence and agency you are, no question, a “slut” / you are “loose” / you are “easy” (and because men are taught that they are hunters and women are a prize ( 🤮), they need to work to win you and if you are won too easily or you happily and unashamedly have consensual sex with many partners, then you mustn’t be worth much). In certain circumstances, (and this… this is most foul, indeed) if you are the victim of sexual violence, it must be because you were giving off “whore” vibes, only to (then or now) turn around and play the “virgin”, not at all because the man or men are responsible for their actions and did something horrendously violent and criminal. (Also, aren't women all present to purely be at the whim of a man's desires? 😏).

The virgin-whore dichotomy is no theoretically light matter. This entrenched patriarchal scheme fundamentally, literally, directly informs rape culture and men’s violence against women. It is extremely treacherous. And in all the instances it doesn’t lead to direct violence, it still hurts us. It doesn’t even remotely reflect the fullness of who each and all of us truly are! It’s frustrating and upsetting and infuriating and disillusioning and disappointing and tiring and flabbergasting and hurtful and upsetting and frustrating and infuriating and disappointing all over again. And really the whole thing, in terms of heterosexual relationships, is genuinely extraordinarily unfortunate (if 'unfortunate' means: a stupid stupid stupidly horrible, unsatisfying, boring and unnecessary shame) given the full, abounding, deluxe, intricate, interesting, detailed and wonderful relations heterosexual men and women could have, if the entirety of each and every individual’s menu – all the varied, rich and changeable delicacies – were respected, appreciated and welcome on the table.

It gets exponentially shittier when intersectionality is involved: women of colour; women of different abilities; trans women; women who are only into women... These women all experience very particular nuances of this dichotomous mindset, due to specific bigotry they are already vulnerable to, as all of us – rich women, poor women, loud women, quiet women, younger women, older women, pierced women, tattooed women, vivacious women, reserved women, fat women, petit women, buxom women, intelligent women, funny women, polite women, ‘pretty’ women, 'plain' women, abrupt women, shy women, confident women, covered women, scantily-clad women, hairy women, women with children, women without children, women who wear makeup, women who don’t wear makeup, women who swear, women who love food, women who deny themselves food, women who love to dance, opinionated women, uncertain women, women who walk home alone, women who want sex, women who don’t want sex (and each of us are any combination of the above - with more or less complexity - at any one time, according to our own selves), athletes, scientists, actors, artists, doctors, sex-workers, engineers, nuns, lawyers, business owners, hospitality workers, community workers – all of us are judged and treated according to ‘culturally identifiable attributes’ (read physical, behavioural and situational social prejudices) that immediately place us, in consonance with this binary, in one camp or the other with no regard for the unique, self-determined individual inside.

It’s also important to note here that, as you can see, this duality is used to constantly put women down. This is the mastery of it – if you are shamed by our entire society for being anything and everything you are as a person and if you are utterly reliant on someone else’s opinion of you to validate your behaviours / your value / your existence, you are kept in a state of controlled distraction. Your energy is so consumed by trying to figure out the game and win it (not possible) that you are kept from doing other great things with yourself and your life (like taking to the patriarchy with a figurative wrecking ball – yes, that is an oblique popular-culture reference totally apt to this discussion – and diminishing it to rubble!).

As a structure of patriarchal oppression, the virgin-whore dichotomy is entirely based on what men want and when they want it - which is of course constantly shifting and changing. A woman must instinctively be a “virgin” when a virgin is wanted and a “whore” when a whore is wanted - at the whim of the men around her - or be subject to ridicule, abuse and rejection (though we are subject to those things anyway). And because one woman cannot possibly be both or neither, but all of us are both and neither, then the ridicule, abuse and rejection are constant. It’s a catch-22! You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t! Look at what history tells us has been practised in patriarchal cultures for centuries (it very clearly illustrates the binary): a man has a wife, and then he has a mistress (or two) because each of those things (deliberate word-choice) are for different purposes. [Guess which one is which…?! 😃. LOL. That is not a trick question].

Furthermore, it is possible for hetero men to bandy their sexuality about - along with their desires for intimacy and love - interact with partner after partner, or only one, or with a few on-the-side and remain blissfully unaware of the damaging duality they are buying into and unwittingly or knowingly enforcing. (Along with the countless benefits the patriarchal paradigm affords men - even though it’s ultimately no good for them, either*** - a lack of required self-awareness, regarding their own privilege and how they contribute to the oppression of women, is a good one!).

[***Note this acknowledgement (without it being an excuse!) that patriarchal teachings about masculinity and how men are meant to be in this world are confusing, upsetting, challenging and damaging to men too. And it's all bad for all of us when combined with the terrible beliefs we've learned under capitalism (though it is difficult to clearly separate capitalist thought and patriarchal thought because they are inextricably bound-up together). Class, race, sexuality and ability are all intersectional issues for men too. None-the-less, in all cases, women culturally lose out. Laurie Penny, in “Unspeakable Things”, writes a very-well articulated passage related to this. Get it and read it.]

While guys might get to remain unaware of their conditioned dualistic perspective on women...

Women are totally suss to it, dudes! Because we are fucking living it. We are directly experiencing these frustratingly impossible and desperately untenable binary principles and expectations - our minds, hearts, bodies, choices, actions are impacted constantly by the perpetuation of this limited and oppressive splitting of ourselves. We are fighting for our full identities and self-determination, to exist in our entirety, without constantly being told that one or the other or every part of ourselves is - at any given time - unacceptable, unlovable, insufficient or wrong. We want to turn up completely in our rich and complex glory, be utterly present in our own right and agency, and not be punished for it. In fact, be genuinely celebrated for it (or allowed and excused - even when we do horrible things! 😏), like rich white straight men are, all the time, for all their cashed up boysy ways.

I have been part of a disturbing number of conversations (including well-intentioned, but way-off-the-mark, advice volunteered to me) recently, suggesting that if women want to engage in heterosexual interactions (flirtations / dates / relations / relationships / other) and want those interactions to be "more fulfilling", then perhaps these women shouldn’t have sex with men ‘too soon’ within the context of said interactions. Um… sorry?! What?! So… to have better dating experiences or relationships with men, hetero women should play the game that's created to keep them oppressed more strategically...? ( 😳. Here we are, back in those dark, one-way streets again!). Ie. play the part of the “virgin” (for an indeterminate length of appropriate time) before expressing sexuality OR (if choosing to express sexuality) play the part of the casual “whore” (for an indeterminate length of appropriate time) before developing or expressing vulnerability or feelings or a sense of genuine connection. 😴.

OMG! Nope!!!

NOPE!!!

To all my beautiful sisters… cis; non-binary; transgender; queer; lesbian; hetero; a-sexual… anyone identifying as a female, a girl, a woman; no matter your gender expression, presentation or your sexual orientation…

You are wonderful in all your complex, indefinable, textured, varied and changeable glory! There is nothing wrong with you, howsoever you choose to express the truth of who you are! If you are being shamed by a man for simply being you, or you have internalised a whole load of shame (this is rough, I know!), keep - whenever you can - reminding yourself that the issue IS NOT YOU! Of course, it is important to self-reflect and feel sure you've not been an unequivocal asshole, but anything short of that - in my experiences and observations - it is clear that women tend to (again, due to our socialisation) take far too much responsibility for the dynamics of interactions with men, compounded because men have also been socialised to not take any responsibility for the very same interactions! Gaslighting and shaming are horrendously common! 😠.

So, while it is not our responsibility to solve this (to single-handedly change it, fix it, overcome it, to alter our thoughts and behaviours so we’re not affected by it, to educate all the men in all the areas of our lives who speak out and act out these perspectives, to educate other women or female family members or friends or workmates who have internalised these perspectives) I do encourage you (if and whenever you feel able) to practise how it feels to not make it about you, or about a fault in you! It is a fault in our society, our culture! And when interacting with individuals who willingly or unwittingly embody and enact this fault in how they regard and treat women, practise seeing it in them. Practise naming it, practise releasing yourself from any perceived wrong. Make that clear (again, if you cannot or do not wish to spend energy making it explicitly clear to them, then practise knowing it within yourself!). And get your trusted sisters to help you with that too! Of course, some of us are in circumstances (related to this broad experience) that are difficult and hurtful and threatening in the extreme, and no amount of privileged reasoning can help. I believe, however, that social and cultural shifts are possible and that wider context impacts the minutiae of personal lives... so, I send love and heart and hope, and wish that current and future cultural shifts happen faster and bigger than ever before...

The operation of this oppressive system is designed to keep us all distracted and low. But, no!!! NO!!! NO!!!!! Hang in there. Keep fighting for the right to experience and express your full self! Stay connected wherever you can. And fight at the sides of others for their right too. Don’t let the bastards grind you down! (Yes, this is another apt literary / popular-culture reference: if you haven’t read or watched The Handmaids Tale, do).

Big love. 🙂. 💋.

Some definitions:

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=virgin

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=whore

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=dichotomy

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=binary

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by megan drury

participationmystique